my atok janggut

it has been two years since my grandpa, my atok janggut passed away. on the very march 26th, 2008. 

i have never lost anyone so close to me before, a family member, someone so dear. no that was the first time.
after 18 years of life, that was my first time. 

and i will never forget. 

i received my SPM result. few days later, my mom told me he went unconscious and grandma,my mom, my uncles and aunties took turns to keep him company in the hospital, waiting for whatever to come.i was busy, applying here and there for my studies. and one day i went back to my kampung.

my mom and i stayed at the hospital. atok was lying there, sleeping. that night atok was sweating. mama dabbed atok with a damp towel and asked me to do the same later. then, my grandma came and so we left the hospital.
and at 6 am the next day, when i remembered i just wiped my atok janggut's sweat off his face and body, my grandma called and it was my mom picked it up. 
and you can feel it, you dont even have to listen to words uttered. 

it felt unreal. it was like he is sleeping somewhere else. where we couldnt see him.

innalillahi wainna lillahirrajiun. 
and somehow, i was left at home when my atok was to be buried, nearly everyone of my family were there. everyone just dashed into their cars and i stumbled, left at home. 
then, i knew why i should not be there. 
because when i asked nabil, he said when atok's body was getting into the soil, he felt like stopping them from doing so. he said like they just shouldnt.but he know they should.

i watched an episode of Nur Kasih, where the mother, played by Liza Othman, said that her nights feel so different when the person you are sleeping with for thirty years, are now no longer besides you. 
gila menusuk. i imagine how my grandma feels. 

and when we balik kampung, i looked at the chair only my atok janggut used and miss him. i know everyone does. 

my first loss. 
Al-fatihah to my late atok janggut. 

coretan: how is he doing now?

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